My Fat Train (of Thought)

Part 4

           I am back… on tinder that is. It is seriously nerve wracking. This is where the issue lies (unless you’re a cis straight dude) your pictures are perfectly curated. The first photo is a fake-candid with your makeup artist skills on display. The second is a full body mirror pic with the perfect angle, the first thing in the morning, after a dump, so your tummy is as flat as possible. The third photo -at least for me- accentuates my chest. I’m not hiding my body or my face, but I am taking these photos at the most perfect moment, angle, situation… and this is where my anxiety lies… am I catphishing?
         Do I take my pictures in unflattering angles? The skinny people don’t… why should I? Do I take a photo that shows my double chin? Maybe my half naked photo – you know the one where I show that little bit of skin over my belly button almost to my sternum – maybe I should re-take that photo, sitting down so you see my rolls? Should I post a clear photo of my thighs and my ass, so you can see every last dimple? You compliment them on my face cheeks but it’s a problem when they’re on my ass?
           So, I decided to keep my photos. I didn’t change them. I wrote in my profile my aesthetic can be described as tattooed, cute and pudgy. I could have said fat… I should have. Even writing this now, I mostly likely won’t go back and change it. I know its wrong. I know I affirmed being a fat woman earlier in this series. Then why am I having difficulty reaffirming it now, on Tinder?

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           Well, 1- what if this person doesn’t or wouldn’t consider me as fat and then upon seeing the comments will actually think I am catphishing? Maybe we would have been perfect, but the word fat came off as harsh, they passed up? 2- Will I just be bombarded with messages saying ‘You’re not fat, you’re beautiful’ – like… can’t I be both? 3- Will someone read my profile and then dupe me – make me think they like me all for some elaborate practical joke they set up with their friends? You know the one, there you fuck the fat girl and make fun of her to your friends after? Okay, I’ll admit that last one is very She’s All That if Rebel Wilson was in it and it had a very bad ending. Let’s be real though, this isn’t a situation that I haven’t heard of happening before. I’ve had some brutal shit happen to me – like I wouldn’t be surprised. Like in high school, I was in love with this guy, he was my best friend at the time and he ACTUALLY told me that I wasn’t ‘pretty enough’ and then he started dating my then best girl friend.
*** Please note she and I aren’t friends anymore, but not because of her dating him but because she proved to be a shitty person later anyways. Welcome to my train of thought, nothing is censored. *** 
         Now, objectively I am much prettier than her, but she has that ideal body – so I knew when he said that to me, what he was really saying was ‘too fat.’
 
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          Now, Tinder has not necessarily been all bad. I do manage to get quite a few matches and, about a year ago I met the man I’d fall in love with (spoiler alert: we didn’t work out but that’s not the point either.) Other than him, the Beloved-Warrior as he’s been dubbed in my poetry, the men I have encountered have been… let’s say less than ideal – actually less than acceptable. Besides him, I’ve encountered three types of dudes (for the sake of this article I’m omitting the women I meet on here) 1 – (now this is not so bad) men who I end up becoming friends with! 2 – I get the men who have food fetishes and talk about wanting to feed me or watch me eat or incorporate food constantly during sex. It’s fine if you’re into that but I am not. 3 – men who don’t have fetishes but are embarrassed about finding me attractive and basically thinking I am good enough to sleep with but not good enough to bring around to Christmas with their families or hang with their friends or take on dates out in public.
          *Sigh*
          Tinder is hard because I feel like I heavily rely on my personality to wow people and peak their interests. It is rare that I’ll get approached at a bar, or someone will send over a drink to me like we see in the movies – and I know that shit happens because I see it happening to my friends. So, when I match with someone, I make loads of excuses. I need to make sure that they fall for me with my cute and witty banter. Maybe he’ll be super nerdy and impressed with my Star Wars and Wonder Woman tattoos. Whatever the case may be… just meeting up for coffee on a whim? I can’t. So much can go wrong... That being said, I’m back on Tinder. Wish me luck. ​

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Part 1
Part 2
Part 3