My Fat Train (of Thought)
I am a fat woman. I am constantly wondering if I should bother to walk into stores, knowing I likely do not fit into their largest size. I am a fat woman. I am always wondering if I can make the move in romantic situations, because the world sees my body as a problem. Spoiler! Its not. That doesn’t really change how I feel though, everyday in my body- this body that at every turn is too much but simultaneously not enough. I am too much for the eyes, too much for the seams of my pants, too much for the largest bra at the local Victoria Secret – not to detract but fuck you guys, and that’s one reason why you’re closing – I am too much for your hands, squeezing my sides, my curves, they are all too much. Then, flip side of the coin. I am not enough. My face is not pretty enough, to compensate for my size; I am not funny enough to distract you from my double chin when I laugh; I am not good enough to love. Now, I know this to be untrue. I have fallen in love twice in my life so far – I know I deserve love and I know that it's possible because I’ve experienced it.
Then again – there’s so much about those times I fell in love that made me question this. The first time I fell in love, they left me for someone else. Now this person was not necessarily prettier or smarter or better than me – in all honesty, this girl is not a nice person but that isn’t the point really. The fact is, I was left for someone else. This sent me into a spiral; the spiral I would find myself in constantly thereafter. The person I love has left me. For. Someone. Else. This was something I really could not come to grips with or understand even. So, there it went, my thoughts about my size, my beauty, my worth. If I had been thinner, they never would have gone. They would have fought to stay with me. No.
The second time I fell in love, was with the man I thought was going to be forever honestly. I had loved before, but I knew back then we wouldn’t be together forever, that things like this don’t last – but with him. Oh god. With him, I knew deep in my soul that this was it for me. How could I even look at another man again? If you asked me what I dreamed of in love and life, he surpassed all. Even writing this now, I think that still… to an extent of course. Sometimes great flames are just that, flames that leave you burnt. He broke up with me because he was supposed to leave the country and it hurt to be around me. We cried, we fought, I cried, I fought, I cried some more – and I fought. He had his own things to deal with and I just couldn’t let what we had go. That’s how we ended. I was broken, and he was angry. That’s how we remained for a long time.
Later, I found out he wasn’t leaving – in my mind, the fighting and all the bullshit in between, it was irrelevant, we could be together again. No. He had already started dating someone else – and she was thin. Then I started to question our entire time spent together. Why didn't we go out as much as I wanted us to? Why wasn't he flaunting me around? Was he embarrassed by me - was the fat girl he kept behind closed doors, and when I wanted more he created a ruse to get rid of me? Again, the spiral began. I didn’t want to go out. I comforted myself with food, which just continued the cycle. I am too much. I am not good enough.
While I never fell in love with this other man, this story also seems fitting to include here. He was a friend, he chased me for a long time, and I made him wait because I was still heart broken. Now, I don’t know what happened, but suddenly, I was ready – I saw him in a light I hadn’t before. This ended quite abruptly. I told him that I now felt the same way and that I was ready, but there was someone else in the picture. He decided to date her instead of me. I once again I spiraled and not because he liked someone else – that shit happens all the time, we live in a fast pace world. The issue was when I met her. She was beautiful with perfect skin, and a body I could only dream of having. Then she opened her mouth, and she was vapid and dumb and the type of girl he and I used to make fun of. Spiral. Once again.
There are countless times where I find myself disappointed and blaming my body when a lot of these things were happening to me. My body was not to blame. How society feels about my body is to blame; how it perpetuates certain ideals that I can not fit. The not so silent waves of comment online and off, telling potential to overlook me, that they can do better.
All this to say, this weekend I was with someone and he is someone I’ve crushed on for a few years (I’m not a player, I just crush a lot) and we had dinner, went swimming and while we’ve been flirting via text, nothing came to fruition in person. I have become afraid of this rejection, this constant fear of being told that I am not good enough, that I am not loved…So I say nothing. I do nothing, and I wonder why I am still alone.
I wish the world loved me, my body – fat women – like I do. I don’t want to have to be afraid of showing people love, being loved by others. I am just tired. I am tired.
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